...actually, better just go ahead and go with the latter.
Merry Christmas Everyone! It's that time of year again... children making snowmen, people acting like they like each other, and Bruce Willis screaming obscenities and throwing Germans from windows.
...and to all a good night!
So this year I face my first Christmas away from home so I'm thoroughly bummed about that. I'm still working on hammering out the details of exactly what I'll be doing for Christmas. Probably crashing on a buddy's floor, watching awesome movies, etc. I'm actually up in Seoul right now, gonna do a bit of Christmas shopping later today.
Last year I found out that making the
presents myself yielded mixed responses.
But that's not why I'm writing this post. This post is about something much more important. Something plaguing this world, particularly children, everywhere. Especially around the holidays. The scourge to which I am referring is of course Zombie Santa.
Now, I'm aware that some people think that Zombie Santa is just an urban legend. Something you joke about with your friends. And it's funny, yes it is all very hilarious to joke about until one Christmas Eve, you shuffle drowsily off to bed feeling heavy from a mixture of a great Christmas dinner and the after-effects of Aunt Linda's Christmas Punch. All is well in your happy little world.
Then at around 2:45 there arises such a clatter, but you're still sleeping off last night's adventure so you don't spring from your bed to see what's the matter. When you finally wake up and make your way to the coffee machine you find that someone has been here. And they had a Christmas feast as well-- and the main course was your dog.
Is it funny now?
But CJ, you interject, my house is properly barricaded. No zombie could possibly get in! A valid point. Too bad said valid point is inherently flawed. Do you not know that Santa is a master of evasion? That no doors, windows, barricades, or automatic mounted machine guns can stop his entry to whatever building he wishes? Coming and going entirely undetected?
After becoming infected, Santa, unlike others who have been reanimated, retained his sentience and all his original abilities. In fact, in many ways Santa Claus is still much the same as he was. He still follows his basic instinct to visit every house on his list. But he no longer hungers for milk and cookies. After turning, he found he desired something more... savory.
Gone are the days where it was as
simple as "Naughty" and "Nice."
What can I do then, CJ? Is all hope lost? To which I must respond that you've clearly never seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas. There is always hope. There are also steps you can take to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Tip 1: Keep vigilant! That is to say keep a 24-hour watch wherever you keep your Christmas Tree and other Christmas paraphernalia. A keen eye and a sawed-off shotgun should be all you need unless you anger him.
Tip 2: Keep informed! Be sure that your children know from a young age the dangers of old Kris Kringle. Be sure they know not to take risks and be sure to report any sightings in your area. Set up a phone tree.
Tip 3: Don't make yourself a target! Too many Christmas lights, signs, blow-up Santa's (for God's sake, let's give him an ego too?) are all come-ons to Zombie Santa. He knows where to find a fresh meal. However, if you keep no lights on at all, you may still receive a visit as he may assume no one is home and is not above snatching a plasma screen just for the thrill of it. Find a happy medium.
If you follow these simple steps you can more than likely remain safe from harm. Me, I don't have to worry about Zombie Santa. He doesn't come to Korea because they have kids back in school the first weekday after Christmas. Nice Christmas Spirit, guys.
Stay safe, my freaky darlings!
But seriously, I'd be psyched as hell to get Resident Evil for GameCube.
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